I am writing to day to share my very inner most feelings about Nick’s adoption. As you know we have been in the process of trying to bring Nick home for nearly two years. There have been delays after delays. We received word from our agency two days ago that Russia is requesting information regarding Elijah’s adoption. I could not believe what I was reading! The agency said they are not sure what type of paperwork will be required and will let us know as soon as they are notified by Russia. It is truly amazing to me because first of all Elijah was adopted from the very same region in Russia where Nick is. Also, we provided each and every one of the post placement reports on Elijah as required by Russia. Those reports are filed in the MOE (Ministry of Education) in the Krasnoyarsk region. So, my thoughts are “What else could they possibly be wanting?” I was truly upset and totally disheartened. I would like to be able to tell you that my faith is unshakable and that I just stood tall and said, “God has a plan and it is all in His time.” BUT the truth of the matter is that I fell apart! I began to question whether or not bringing Nick home is what God wants. Trevor and I discussed all of this last night and both of us agreed that neither of us really know what it is God DOES want. Trevor told me the way he has always prayed for Nick’s adoption is that if this is God’s will that we bring Nick home to open doors for it to happen. And it seems doors keep getting slammed shut! We talked about the fact that maybe its not God closing doors but the devil himself. It is just so hard to know sometimes whether or not something is in the will of God or not. I told Trevor I was just about to the point of giving up and coming to realize this is not supposed to happen. I sat and I cried and told him I honestly do not think I can take much more of this roller coaster ride. I said I cannot even concentrate on everyday life anymore. This is always in the forefront of my mind. My heart yearns for my boy to be home but is it time to admit this will never happen? Trevor and I agreed…neither of us knew the answer.

When I awoke this morning the dream I had last night came to mind and I thought what a silly dream! I was wondering why I would dream something so ridiculous! I dreamed I was a surrogate mother and it was nearly time to deliver and to hand over this precious baby to its parents. When I arrived at the hospital I realized that I could not do that…this baby belonged to me and Trevor. Even though this baby I was carrying was not our biological child…I had carried it and it was OUR baby! I knew there was no way we could give up this baby. I ran and I hid so no one could take “our” baby from us! I was frantic at the thought! I awoke before I gave birth and as I said I didn’t know why I dreamed such a dream but it dawned on me after a few moments…we CANNOT give up and we WILL NOT give up on bringing our son home! With all that is within us we will continue on! God will have to do it all, that is for sure! I truly believe God gave me that dream last night to show me we must continue on. My faith has been renewed and I know I cannot give up my son. He is worth all the battles we have endured and all the obstacles that still may come our way. But notice the word ‘endured”. God has brought us through the battles and will continue to do so!

An online friend by the name of Wendy McLaughlin posted this writing a few days ago on one of the adoption forums I frequent a lot. It was posted with the intent to encourage adoptive parents who are feeling discouraged and weary, as they wait for their child to come home. When I read this I wept because it is the hard, cold truth and all of the heartache Trevor and I have to go through is nothing compared to what Nick will face if we don’t bring him home. This gives me strength and determination!
Thank you, Wendy!!

An Orphan’s Life

I will never know the warm embrace of a mother.
I will never know a place called home.
I will never be tucked in at night.
I will never know all is right with the world.
I will never play catch with my dad.
I will never feel the ocean breeze in my hair.
I will never see the sunrise from the window of a plane.
I will never own the clothes on my back.
I will never eat popcorn in a darkened theater.
I will never run barefoot in a spring rain.
I will never have someone to catch me when I fall.
I will never watch fireworks explode in the sky.
I will never eat until I’m full.
I will never sit in a candle filled church.
I will never see a look of pride on my Dad’s face.
I will never ride a shiny new bike.
I will never dance at my prom.
I will never graduate.
I will never have someone to call for advice.
I will never make it on my own.
I will never stop wondering how my life could have changed
-if someone had taken me home-
for always.

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